I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize