i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize