A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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