We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
