Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
