Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
