Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
