Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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