I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
