Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
