I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
