i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
His hands were made for my vagina.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
