I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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