The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
