needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
