I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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