i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
