And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
