i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
