I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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