Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
