Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
