I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
