dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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