i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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