in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
