who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
