there's paper in my vomit.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
