I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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