mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
