i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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