I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
