Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
