There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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