i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
