I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize