wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
