she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
