She is in my trunk
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
