they need to just BURY HIM!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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