You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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