I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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