god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
