I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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