I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
