So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
