wakey wakey hands off snakey
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
