Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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