As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
