I cannot find my penis.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
