i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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