Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
