Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
