Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
