she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize