there's paper in my vomit.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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