Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
