just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
