Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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