He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
