WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
