Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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