there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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