i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
