Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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