Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
