who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
