literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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