I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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